A Patriot’s Guide to Watching Team USA Hockey

Now that we are in full-on Olympics mode since football is in full-blown rainbow-crisis, basketball is too expensive to go to, and any NHL action is MIA until Putin’s dog and pony show are over, we here at The Drunk Tank would like to put together a nice little primer ahead of the only worthwhile thing watching at the Winter Olympics:  AMERICAN Olympic Hockey.  Fear not, America, because the days of watching boring ass stupid winter sports that nobody understands or glorified X-Games events are almost over.

Unfortunately due to the size of the globe and the Illuminati controlling the world, the games will be played at 7:30 AM of the opening round, which fucking SUCKS.  As pathetic as it is, that is earlier than I get up for work, but you know what?  We all need to make sacrifices for our country at some point in time.  The 1st Infantry Division didn’t give up on Omaha beach, and god dammit, I won’t back down here either.

The first thing required is that you actually wake up on time for the game.  DVRing the game and watching at a suitable time later in the day may be something the French may do, but here we’d like to think we’re a bit tougher than that.  Unfortunately, the first game we play is against Slovakia on Thursday, and even more unfortunately, we have jobs that are required to keep the smooth, sexy underbelly of capitalism humming along, so watching this game in its entirety is probably out of the question.  Since alcohol before 8 a.m. on a workday is hard to pull off — unless you work as a commercial Pilot or are a middle-aged housewife — we’ll skip preparation for this game because, let’s face it, Monday – Friday our lives suck.

Ok, so it’s Friday night and you’re jacked up for the game against Russia Saturday morning.  Perfect.  There are a few key steps we need to take to properly enjoy this game :

1.Acquire proper USA swag

Some people are great at saving money.  Some people invest.  With the Olympics on the horizon, some of us REAL Americans decide to stimulate the fuck out of our economy (trickle down motherfuckaas) and pick up THIS bad boy:

Boner.

Boner.

Other appropriate attire includes this year’s current jerseys (sex), any form of American-flag themed clothing or a version of the back to back world war champs shirt.  Once your swag is settled, it’s time to focus on getting your mind right to support our country and our team. 

2. Get your mind right

A team is only as strong as its fans, and a country is only as strong as how angry and drunk its citizens can get before 8am.  First thing you need to do?  Get some American Bud Heavy’s in you, pronto.

Bonus points if you use your Omaha beach bottle opener

Bonus points if you use your Omaha beach bottle opener

If you read this blog or are associated with any of us, binge drinking while watching sports should be like second nature to you, so I’ll skip the details here.  HOWEVER, simply slamming down some b’s while perhaps listening to some tunes is not going to cut it for something as intense as Olympic Hockey.  No, in order to make sure we are all mentally prepared to take on those dirty Russian pieces of swine, we need to go above and beyond.  We need to go…Rambo IV.  And no, not the whole movie, because seeing a man in his 60′s be that muscular is frankly bad for morale all around.  No, what you need to do is watch the clip below over and over, starting at around 6:30 AM on a low volume and culminating in a terrifying shockwave of sound at 7:25.

That scene is quite possibly the most American thing I have ever watched, and we as a country need that merciless, extremely unnecessarily violent and gory attitude as our team hits the ice.  Your stomach start to hurt because the sun hasn’t risen and you’re on your 5th beer?  SUCK THAT SHIT DOWN.  There will be time to question where your life is going later, and nobody wants to hear that shit now.

3. Have some faith

3.5 – 1 Odds are odds that I like my friends.  Let’s shoot some red, white and blue splooge on the rest of the world’s face and defy the critics.

USA! – USA! – USA!

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