Last week we introduced you to the announcers who will be charged with getting you to care about alpine skiing and biathalon. That’s a Herculean task, and we’ll be ready to give them their own gold medal should they merely be able to keep our eyelids above our eyeballs.
In this round of commentator introductions, we’ve got some of our personal favorite Winter Olympic sports. Well, maybe not Sneds. First up are the bobsled/luge/skeleton events. Then we’ll introduce you to the announcers for the “every man” (in the sense that you could literally pull any guy off the street and he’d have the potential to be an Olympian) sport of curling.
Play-by-Play (for all 3): Leigh Diffey
Nickname: Leigh “Stiffey” Diffey, which is in no way a joke and is actually true.
Nationality: Australian, so we can look forward to streams of expletives and nonsensical slang.
One true love: Speed. Probably this one. Definitely this one. But specifically, I’m referring to this one. How that got him to the Sochi Olympics to announce the bobsled, I’ll never know, but here we are.
Analyst for Bobsled: John Morgan
Career Highlights: Yes, you are looking at the announcer from Cool Runnings. Oh and I guess he’s been the bobsled announcer for the last eight Olympics or whatever.
Least Favorite Thing About Sochi: “Those fucking Jamaicans made it again, and it’s all anyone is asking me about.”
Rhythm or Rhyme?: Fuck you.
Analyst for Luge: Duncan Kennedy
Career Highlights: Got 10th in the 1992 Olympics in Albertville, which is apparently a place that held the Olympics in 1992.
Most Commonly Confused For: Laird from Girls.
Favorite Paul Giamatti Movie: Fred Claus.
Analyst for Skeleton: Bree Schaaf
Alma Mater: Portland State University, where she was a three time all-academic member of the volleyball team. Wait, you mean bobsled, right? Oh, no, it was volleyball? And she used to compete in skeleton before switching over to bobsled? Jesus Christ, women’s sports.
Fun Fact: Could actually kill you in the sack.
Personal Quirk: Refers to the bobsled as the “bobsleigh. “
Reporter: Lewis Johnson
Alma Mater: University of Cincinnati, where he emerged as a track and field star.
Career Highlights: Has covered NCAA football and basketball, the NBA, the NFL, the AFL, and the summer Olympics since 2000. I’m sure he was an avid luge fan in his off time though.
Favorite Fictional Character: Stringer Bell.
Host: Fred Roggin
Nickname(s): Freddy Ballgame, Poor man’s Dan LeBatard
Career Highlights: Celebrity Host at the 2009 Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, sideline reporter for the XFL.
Favorite 90′s Nickelodeon Show: Catdog.
Birthplace: Short Hills, New Jersey, a town in Essex County with a current temperature of 17 degrees fahrenheit. Andrew is looking forward to his upcoming tropical vacation to Sochi, Russia. Today’s high: 64.
Spouse: Jessica Layton. The two of them have no idea whatsoever how to play golf.
Favorite My Little Pony Forum: Brony Hangout!
Alma Mater: Syracuse
Career in Curling: Literally made his debut 9 days ago. He’s ready for the Olympics, baby!
Favorite Curling Website: This one has been very helpful.
Nickname: ‘Nilla, which is pretty badass somehow.
Interesting Fact: Member of the Beta Theta Pi fraternity.
Current Job: Operating Systems Analyst for a healthcare company, which is just a depressing reminder that these athletes are kind of just normal people who are really really good at something.
Birthplace: Bemidji, Minnesota.
Fun Fact: Is a member of perhaps the only certified “curling family” in the history of the planet. His father, brother, and son are all curlers. His father is still the coach of Pete’s “rink” which is what a curling team is called, I guess.
Favorite Superhero: The Hulk, but not that shitty Eric Bana one. The one played by the great Ed Norton.
Currently Resides: Boston, Massachusetts
Bio: Her Wikipedia page only has one paragraph, and it concludes, “in her spare time she enjoys running marathons and traveling.” Is she…running to Sochi?
Favorite Pasttime: Getting into weird Twitter debates.
Next up: It’s time to meet your Figure Skating and Freestyle Skiing announcers!